i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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