i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
