So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
