the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
