You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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