When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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