tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Never underestimate the power of titties
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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