this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
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I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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