i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
