Just fell off a train. Bad.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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