why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
