some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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