i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
