i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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