The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
