There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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