I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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