Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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