This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
