My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
