Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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