he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
