I cockslap morals
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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