so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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