i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
