the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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