What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
