She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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