I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That was before I lit my hair on fire
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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