If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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