sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm like, not good at living.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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