Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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