I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
