Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
