i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
not ubering you a puppy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
