he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
