I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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