Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
