I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
love makes seman taste better
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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