i may or may not be watching the land before time
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
