Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
