Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
