Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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