im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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