Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
