the condom got lost in my hair
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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