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I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I need to align my fucking chakras
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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