I must be too annoying 4 u.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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