dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
