Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
