They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
