If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
