Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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