my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
