Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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