he shaved USA in his pubs
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
