why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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