how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
