last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
