Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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